Reset Button

I think a lot people wonder if they have a reset button. Sometimes i wished i had one.

I keep getting punches to the head. Difficult to discribe them tough. I don’t really feel depressed or anything, i’m getting more cynical, and that isn’t good i know that.

Just looking at images on the internet sometimes give me cynical laughs. Quote pictures like ‘be yourself and don’t change for nobody’ just make me laugh.

Sometimes i’m thinking about selling of my movie/game collection. Almost nobody is interested in them anyway. Who is interested if i saw some 1968 Japanese movie? Who cares if i liked that game nobody ever heard about?

Suddenly i’m thinking, ‘did i really say that?’

And if i’m still thinking that, that might be good.

Assuming The Game

There’s a new game i might be in. The Assuming Game.

Actually it’s a old game but it got revived last saturday.

Last saturday one of my best friends went on to go out bowling with some people know from his work, no problem there. Frustrating part there was never supposed to be a bowling game.

He told me, ‘yeah we are going to eat and drink somewhere and that’s it’

When checking Facebook i saw he checked in at a bowling parlor with all the people tagged. Again no problem, but you must know he normally hates tags, but with those people no problem it seems. When we were in London last year almost nobody had to know we were in London.

Thinking further and further, what i am assuming is that he’s ashamed in knowing me.

'Yeah i go out with those people, you are not welcome'.

A text Message isn’t difficult to send when they are done bowling. ‘Hey Kjell you want to come and drink something there?’ Nope a text message was to hard to send out

And there are some other people who ‘assume’ i don’t like this and that and then i start to assume that they are ashamed in me. Also other people seem to know me better than i know myself.

Yeah the assuming game

The Problems

The problems i have in my life are diverse, so complicated, but also so easy.

I’m turning 28 in August, and my life was fun until i turned 15. I’ve been living on the edge of a depression for almost 13 years. The depression is sometimes very near but on the other hand very far away.

But still when i hear people talking, when i see people doing there normal stuff i know i’m not normal.

I’ve been rejected almost every time. Getting cliché Female explanation; ‘i like you butt…’ ‘You are a good guy but…’ Just say you don’t my looks whatever, i hate cliché talk.

The first time i really kissed a girl i was 23, major fail. Not really good for my ‘male ego’. Oh well

Nerdy interesest,
That was a problem, but that has gone away. I’m not the only nerd in this world. Still… Meh whatever.

This might be a strange theme to mention but you will understand. The first girlfriend i had i was 15 Years old, later on i saw her name on Facebook, well turned out she was getting maried to another woman.

Later, i was about 18, i met a girl through a gaming forum, she had the same interests as me, first time ever in my teenage years, i had some contact but it faded away. Suddenly back on MSN we talked and she had a girlfriend. My world collapesed. We never really talked later on.

People asked me once if i would donate sperm for a lesbian couple and i said No.

Yeah my life has been a rollercoaster and not a fun one.

The Emptiness of Music

I love instrumental music because you aren’t forced into the lyrics. I like lyrics but i can’t really related to about 95% of the lyrics. Most hip-hop is about woman and money, i don’t have both. Pop music is mostly about relationships, nope. Metal seems to have the darker themes but i can’t really to them. Rock has more diverse themes which i can related more to.

Instrumental music doesn’t have that (is it Jazz, Post-Rock, others, i don’t care what you like) there is a certain emptiness, loneliness. You can fit in your own theme.

Just not knowing it anymore

Thinking, thinking, talking, talking, etc

I just don’t know it anymore. I’m trying my best and still don’t know it anymore.

Sometimes i’m tired of myself, even hate myself.

I once read read that if you are tiresome you best just shut up al together.

That seems a legit option, might just try that out.